


Adventures In Unplanned Parenting

by KalicoFox



Series: The Aftermath [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babies, Babies with Babies, De-aging, Family of Choice, Gen, How do you baby?, Humor, Terrible Twos, it takes a village
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5810611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalicoFox/pseuds/KalicoFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When all four of the adults somehow turn into infants, it's up to the kids to take care of them until they can be returned to normal.<br/>Featuring the appearance of Not Actually Psychotic Damara Megido, Jade 'I-Barely-Know-How-To-People-Don't-Hand-Me-That-Crying-Thing' Harley, Dave 'The Baby Savant' Strider, and Jane 'I Will Never Ever Ever Have Kids' Crocker.<br/>With guest appearances by Karkat 'That Thing is Weirdly Gross In a Super Weird Cute Way' Vantas, and Jake 'Nope!' English.</p><p>Part of my Aftermath AU, though there's no way of telling where in the timeline this story falls. Can be read alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adventures In Unplanned Parenting

The first hint you have that something is wrong is when Bro stumbles.

You skid to a halt, Caledscratch hanging loosely in one hand as you watch him carefully.

Bro never stumbles. Bro is smooth movements and quick turns. He's above such unironic things as gravity.

You raise one eyebrow at him, just high enough to be visible over your sunglasses, but he shrugs it off, steps back a couple of feet, and raises his katana.

All right then. If that's the way he wants to play it.

You firm up your grip, shift your stance, and flashstep forward.

You don't dare advance any slower, even if you are... concerned. The old Bro would beat your ass for not capitalizing on a perceived weakness, and you still aren't sure about this new Bro.

He ducks under your advance, and lashes out with one foot, catching you in the ribs and sending you skidding away with an 'oof'.

You bring your sword up, instinctively bracing for the crash of his sword against yours, but nothing happens.

Bro is standing, still where he'd kicked you away from him, but there's something wrong. You can feel it. Time is warping around him, twisting in non-euclidian ways that you can only feel.

It feels like oil, thick and heavy in the back of your mind, and this is not right.

You fling yourself forward, dropping Caledscratch, but you're too late. (Judging from the lack of future!Daves around, you aren’t, though. Or maybe it wasn’t preventable?)

There's a tiny 'poof' of air, and Bro's clothes collapse in on themselves.

Bro is nowhere to be seen.

Shit.

"Shit." you say, and how fucking eloquent are you? That was truly a masterpiece. You are the master wordsmith. It is you.

"Fuck." you add for good measure, and look around wildly, as though you're expecting to see Bro, somewhere, buck ass naked and staring at you like, 'Well, come on. Strifing waits for no man.'

Bro is, of course, still nowhere in sight.

But there's a noise.

High pitched and whiney, and accompanied by the sound of moving fabric.

You look down at the pile of clothes.

It's moving.

There's something caught in the fabric, and you've got a faint, terrifying suspicion you know what it is, and you really, really don't want to be right.

If there ever was a capital ‘G’ God, now would be an awesome time for it to just smite you right the fuck now so that you don't have to deal with this shit.

The whining intensifies, and you can hear a faint hint of a hiccup in the sound, so you brace yourself, reach down, and pull Bro's shirt off of the pile.

Fuck.

You were right.

You didn't want to be right, but you were, and now you're staring down at a baby.

A fucking _baby_.

"Ohhhh shit. Oh fuck. Okay. No. This is not a good time to flip the fuck out. We’re good. We're chill. Shit’s the chilliest. It’s like fucking Antarctica up in here. Fuck."

Big, watery orange eyes stare up at you, and you grimace. Bro's eyes are almost as sensitive to light as yours, and it's broad fucking daylight out here. His shades are probably somewhere in this heap of clothes, but they wouldn't fit his now-tiny skull.

Shit.

Baby-bro hiccups, and his face screws up like he's trying not to cry, and you find yourself scooping his naked ass up.

It's awkward. You're not really sure how to hold a baby, but after his head flops alarmingly you find yourself holding him carefully up against your chest, one arm under his ass, the other bracing his back while you cradle the back of his head carefully in your hand.

Fuck. This is so fucking awkward.

Jesus.

You're about to captchalogue his clothes when a thought hits you.

You'd felt the twisting timelines around Bro right before he'd turned into a baby.

Maybe...

Maybe you could untwist them? Turn him back into an adult, and then he'd get dressed, and you'd never have to think or speak of this ever again?

You nod firmly, kick the clothes into a semi-comfortable looking heap, and stick baby-bro right back on top of it, crouching down to get a good look at the timelines that are all tangled around him.

A couple of tugs has the shirt he's laying on covering his waist and belly; you might be the coolest motherfucker on the island, but you really don't need to see tiny baby Bro Strider schlong.

You take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and peer at the tangle of time surrounding your older-younger brother-father.

"Well this is a fuckin' mess." you mutter absently, poking carefully at the 'closest' knot of time.

"Look at this, it's like someone just wound up your timeline like one big fuckin' ball of yarn, and then a cat got ahold of it and was all over that ball of time-yarn, and went rolling and jumping and kicking that ball of yarn all over that poor sucker's house while they were out gettin' catnip for their cat that they love so much, and then they came back and it was like some asshole kids had fuckin' TP'd their house, only instead of TP, it was time yarn, and they couldn't find one end or the other, so they just had to grab one spot and start ballin' the whole thing up again. Jesus what a fucking mess."

You sit back on your heels, and pull your gaze from the timelines around Bro back into the real world, looking at the infant version of your brother intently.

Fuck.

Okay.

No, not okay. _Fuck_.

You're not going to be able to untangle this huge fucking mess in just a few minutes. You're not even sure if you can do it alone, but Aradia and Damara, creepy as they both sometimes are, are also time players, and they're up in the mansion, so that's where you need to be.

Carefully, you scoop baby-Bro back up, remembering to keep his head supported as you captchalogue his clothes, his sunglasses and his katana before starting back up towards the house.

Hopefully you can get this sorted out before Bro has to piss.

\-----

Rose meets you at the door, and you can't be sure, but she seems uncharacteristically flustered.

It might have something to do with the faint wailing you can hear.

"Dave, there you are. I was just abo-" her eyes land on Bro, and her expression falters.

"Oh dear."

You raise one eyebrow at her. "'M guessing from the sound of it that Bro's not the only babyfied adult around here."

You get a grim headshake in response.

"Jane was with her father when he suddenly... reverted. She prompted John and I to go look for our parents. I'm glad she did, because we may not have realized they had changed for far too long, but apparently they were... occupied together, when they turned into infants."

Your other eyebrow migrates up your forehead to join its brother.

"Well shit. Good for Momlonde, gettin' it on!"

Rose grimaces slightly, but nods. "I suppose. Still, it was awkward. For John, moreso than myself. The physical evidence of our parents being intimate seems to have scarred him."

You look at her blankly for a moment, and Rose sighs and elaborates.

"There was a condom on the bedside table."

Ah. You nod. You could see how that would break Egberts brain. After all, no self respecting 16 year old wants to think about their dad getting more than they are.

"The others are in the common room, with the infants." Rose informs you, and turns to head back that way, so you nod, adjust Bro in your arms slightly, and fall into step beside her.

"Any idea what" or who "caused this?" you ask idly, and Rose shakes her head.

"I couldn't See any definite cause. There is quite an impressive tangle of probabilities all wrapped up around each of our guardians, and each seems equally as likely as the last."

You nod. "Yeah. I took a look at Bro's timeline, and it's like, eight different kinds of fucked up."

The crying gets louder as you approach the living room, and something in Rose's face tightens as she picks up the pace, hurrying ahead as though she's forgotten that you're still there.

You consider picking up your pace, then roll your eyes and pick up your feet instead and drift after her at a faster-than-walking-but-slower-than-running pace.

Rose reaches the room just barely before you, then visibly steels herself, opens the door and steps inside, beelining for Jake, who's holding a baby that seems intent on letting the whole damn planet know that it's not happy. Judging by the barely-there tuft of white blonde hair, that's Momlonde.

Carefully, you nudge the door shut behind yourself. No sense in waking up any of the trolls in the middle of the day.

And wake up, they definitely would. All three of the infant guardians that were in the house are present in the living room, and all three of them are wailing like they're being mauled.

"I don't know what I did wrong!" Jake's saying, bewildered, "I just held her, and then she started to cry!"

"And then John's dad started," Jade continues, her dog ears plastered flat against her skull and looking miserable, "and then Jane's."

"Shit, is that your Bro?" Dirk asks, spotting you, and you nod, glancing down at the naked infant in your arms.

And shit, the crying must be getting to him too, 'cause his face is starting to screw up, and his eyes are getting all watery, and fuck, no, you can't do this. You cannot handle a crying Bro, baby or not.

"Here." You blurt, darting across the room to thrust the baby into Jade's empty arms.

Jade raises her hands and backs away sharply. "What? No! Why are you trying to give him to me!?"

"You're a girl!" You say, a little desperately, and you know what, fuck irony. Fuck trying to be a fucking cool kid right now. Your Bro is currently under speaking age, and you have even less of an idea of what to do right now then you did when you first went into the game. "I don't know anything _about_ babies!"

Jade's eyes narrow, and her arms cross across her chest. "Yeah." She says, "I'm a girl. I _also_ grew up mostly alone on this island. I don't know anything about _people_. Much less babies."

Which, yeah. Point to Harley. Fuck.

You pull Bro back against your chest, smoothing your hand down his back as he starts to hiccup.

"No no no." You chant, just under your breath, "Hey, it's cool. We're cool little man, it's all right. Nothin's going on. Everything's chill. Don't cry, you're all right. Shit, don't cry."

Your feet find the ground again, and _something,_ some long forgotten basic instinct, has you shifting slightly from side to side as you rub gently at his back and keep up a barely there litany of words.

And for a fucking _miracle_ , it works.

Underneath Jade's astonished gaze, Bro's hiccups slow, and the tears stop, and you pull the end of your cape around to dry his face off.

The other three babies are, unfortunately, still bawling their poor little eyes out.

Jade grins at you.

"You are the baby whisperer!" She announces, "It is you!"

And fuck, that was a loud, unexpected sound, from an angle Bro couldn't see.

His wail, thin and piercing, joins the other three, and you glare at her through your shades.

She at least has the grace to look sheepish, even as she backs away sharpish.

 

It takes each of you holding the babies moving to different corners of the house, well out of earshot of each other, to get them to calm down, and by the time you all meet back up in the living room, they've passed out.

"Thank god that's over with." John sighs, settling his dad awkwardly in the crook of one arm and sitting gingerly on the couch.

"Yeah, until the next time they start up." You mutter. You've got Bro wrapped up clumsily in your cape, and fuck, he looks so calm sleeping like he is, you'd never have guessed that he was capable of screaming loud enough to almost make your ears bleed.

"Babies do tend to cry a lot, according to the media." Rose agrees, looking exhausted.

"I'm sorry." Jake looks miserable from where he's sitting on the floor, and Rose waves him off.

"Babies cry for lots of reasons." Roxy announces quietly from where she's tapping away at her laptop, and thank fucking _god_ for the internet, font of all information. "They're tired, or they're hungry, or they need a diaper change, or they're hurting, or they've got gas, or they're scared, or someone else is crying, or because they just want to cry. Fack, it's like, they just cry about anything."

She glances up at the group, her pink eyes troubled, "We can turn them back, right? 'Cause I dunno 'bout you guys, but I aint ready to be a momma just yet."

"This from the girl who was blathering on about babies while in trickster mode." Jane grins, and Roxy sticks her tongue out at her, giggling.

"Well, yeah. I liked the _idea_ of babies. But now there's _actual_ _babies_ , an’ I don't got a _clue_ Janeypants."

Jane sighs, and nods, looking down at where her dad is wrapped up in a pillowcase on her lap.

"So we should turn 'em back now, before they wake up." Dirk says, and gets a quiet chorus of agreement even as you and Rose hesitate, looking at each other uneasily.

"I'm... not sure it will be that easy." Rose says, and the atmosphere of tired cheerfulness dies a messy death.

"Why not?" John asks, "Dave just has to zap 'em with his time powers, right? And then they'll be back to normal?"

You're getting hopeful looks from five directions now, and you shrug.

"I can't age up Bro." you say simply, "His timeline's got more snarls than a pissed off dog. I'd have to check your dad and them to make sure, but they're probably the same way."

Five faces fall, and Rose swoops in like a conversation rescue paratrooper, trying to do CPR with something like good news.

"It's entirely likely that whatever caused this will wear off on its own, given time."

"And I'm gonna get the Megidos to check, too." you add, "fuck, I'm just a Knight. To me, time's just another shitty sword. But Aradia's a Maid. She's all about cleanin' up messes, and Damara's a Witch, so she's got power in spades."

The relief in the air is palpable, and you relax into the sofa.

"But I'm not gonna be the one to try to wake up two trolls in the middle of the day," you add. "so we better figure out what these kids are gonna need when they wake up."

"Diapers." John says instantly, and

"Clothes." Rose adds.

"Food." Jake and Jade chorus, and Roxy makes a small questioning sound.

"Are they on solids, d'you think? I didn't see teeth when Janey's dad was screaming..."

The four of you holding infants look at each other, then down at the babies in your arms or laps.

"Formula and bottles?" Rose ventures, "And baby food. We can try the baby food first, and make bottles if they don't or can't eat it."

Dirk's scribbling away on a notepad, making a list, you think, and you wrack your brain, trying to think of anything else you might need in the five hours, thirty-two minutes and twelve seconds until sundown when the trolls will start venturing out of their 'respite blocks'.

"Um... I _think_ that's everything?" John says, glancing around like he's waiting for someone else to add something.

"We can probably skip getting clothes, unless Damara and Aradia can't turn them back. Just get some baby blankets that we can wrap them in for the time being." Rose says firmly.

"Can't you tell if it'll work or not?" Dirk asks, one eyebrow cocked challengingly, and Rose rolls her eyes.

"Unfortunately, there are too many tangled probabilities wrapped up around our guardians. It seems as though every option that may cure them has an equal opportunity to do nothing. Therefore, we are left to do as mere mortals do. Leave it to chance, and hope for the best."

"Well, at least there's nothing that will make them worse!" Jake says brightly, and you freeze, even as Roxy, Jane and Dirk all turn to stare at him.

Jake pauses, visibly thinks over what he just said, then cringes. "Oh hell, I've tempted fate. Sorry chaps."

"And on that bright note," Jade chirps, "I'm going to go to the mainland to go shopping! Anyone want to come with?"

 -----

Awkward silence falls once Roxy and Jade vanish in the crackling green light that heralds Jade's teleportation, and that annoys you.

It hasn't been awkward to hang out with your friends, or the alpha kids, who, in all honestly, are probably also your friends now, for a while. You don't want this random fucking weird shit to make everything weird again.

"So..." John says quietly, looking down at his dad, "This is different."

Jane snickers, carefully brushing her dad's chubby baby cheek with the back of her hand. "You can certainly say that again. I never dreamed that I would be caring for an infant at sixteen, much less that that infant would be my _father._ "

You snort. "You're preaching to the choir, here. I never thought I would end up being responsible for kids, ever."

Rose nods, her eyes fixed on her baby mother's sleeping face. "I felt the same way."

"We're going to have to do research on how to take care of 'em, if they can't be changed back." Dirk points out, and gets a surprised look from John, and an appraising look from Rose.

"We are?" Jake asks, and there's no incredulity in his voice, just honest confusion.

"Well, yeah." Dirk says, bobbing his head, "It's simple math. There's four kids, an' eight of us. Two per kid. That's how it usually goes."

Rose humms in agreement, but Jane is frowning thoughtfully.

"Actually, I'm really not sure that's the best idea." she muses. "A while ago, before everything, there was a couple on my street who had a new baby and whenever I saw them on the street they always looked so tired."

"What about that saying?" John asks thoughtfully, "It takes a village, or something?"

Jake is shaking his head though, "I'm really not sure about this, chaps. I mean, I'm as gung ho as the next fellow to help take care of the tykes, but..." he shrugs helplessly, "Well, you saw what happened, and I was just trying to _hold_ her. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this parenting business."

"This is all moot unless Aradia and Damara can do nothing to fix them," Rose interjects firmly, "So I suggest that we table this discussion until we know for sure."

Jane frowns, opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it, sighs, and settles back in the armchair she'd claimed.

"Well, if we're not going to be talking about this, Jake, would you mind fetching me the book I left on my nightstand?"

Jake simply nods, and heads out of the room.

It's a good idea though, getting stuff to do while the babies sleep, and you shift slightly, then reach up and detach your cape from your shirt, gathering the bundle of sleeping Bro and fabric close before offering it to Dirk.

"Here. I'll be right back."

There might be a hint of a challenge in your voice, but it's barely there, really, and you don't think anyone is going to call you on it.

Dirk hesitates a moment, then takes Bro, and you flash step out of the room.

It doesn't take you long to grab the supplies you were looking for, even with a trip to hit the can, and the look on Rose's face when you decaptchalogue her knitting basket, and on John's face when you pull an end table closer to where he's sitting and set a stack of DVDs on it, are priceless.

Jake returns shortly after you do, and delivers Jane's book to her with a flourish and a grin, and Dirk hands the baby back off to you after you've gotten your own laptop/tablet workstation set up so that you can work on Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, or watch some movies, or do whatever the hell else you want while Bro sleeps.

It's oddly domestic, now, with the faint clicking of Rose's knitting needles, and the muffled sounds of explosions from where John and Jake are both watching the movies you'd brought down. The even fainter sound of turning pages from Jane's chair and the clicking of Dirk's stylus against his tablet; it all seems so... unreal. Like it's not quite the way it should be, but also like there's no other way for you to all be together.

And you are together, even if you're doing your own separate things.

It's fuckin' weird is what it is, and you brush off your oddly introspective thoughts and turn your attention to making the most hella ironic comic in all of paradox space.

\-----

By the time trolls started trickling out of their respite blocks and into the common areas of the house, you were so past ready to be _done_ with the babies that you had hit a kind of stunned, exhausted acceptance.

Jade and Roxy may have come back as fast as they could, but you had still been subjected to poop everywhere, courtesy of your total inexperience with anything to do with diapers.

Apparently, if you don't fasten the suckers tight enough, they can just sort of fall off when they're full.

And that particular diaper was most definitely full.

You shudder, and try to not think about that mess any more.

It's done, it's cleaned up, it as good as never happened, and if Rose or John or Dirk or Jade ever bring it up again you will _end them_.

Besides, it's not like you were the only one experiencing bathroom trauma by baby.

Jane hadn't _quite_ been fast enough to dodge her dad peeing on her.

Who knew that the threat of blunt force trauma via Jane's enormous battle spork was enough to silence even John's half-hysterical giggles.

Still, diapers had been applied, changed, and the baby guardians had been wrapped in the ridiculously soft blankets that Jade and Roxy had chosen, so now you were standing in the kitchen, Bro in one arm, as you shook a bottle vigorously.

"What in the name of the mother grub's third vestigial sphincter is _that?_ "

And of course, just in time to see your awkward attempts to juggle a fussing baby and bottle full of barely warm water-powder-stuff-that-should-be-milk-but-isn't-doing-what-it's-supposed-to-do, Karkat walks into the kitchen.

"What, this?" You hold up the bottle, "This is the elixer of fuckin' life, man. The secret to how humans have lived all these thousands of years. The source. The true liquid. That Which Is Purer Than Gold."

Karkat scoffs, rolling his eyes as he steps around you to get at the fridge.

"Not that, nookwhistler. _That._ The thing making that gogawful noise in your arm."

You shake the bottle a couple more times, then peer at the bottom. Nothing's settling, so you figure that's good enough and promptly stick the rubber nipple in Bro's mouth. For a moment, you're afraid he's going to just spit it back out, then his eyes widen a little and he settles, sucking greedily.

"Dinner." You deadpan, just in time for Jane to enter the kitchen with her dad, wrapped up in a dark blue blanket and whimpering.

"Dave, please tell me there are more bottles than just that one, please." She says, half desperately, and you nod at the counter where the four pack of plastic bottles was opened.

"Oh thank heavens." She breathes, and darts across the room to start the laborious process of trying to make a bottle and hold a baby at the same time.

Karkat watches her juggling act with narrowed eyes, then turns to you with one eyebrow raised.

"Somehow, I really fucking doubt that."

You sigh, slumping slightly and adjusting Bro as best you can without interrupting his meal.

"It's Bro." Your voice is flat, and his other eyebrow joins the first.

"What?"

"It's Bro. Bro got turned into a baby. Jane's got her dad, John's got his, and Rose has Momlonde. Something weird happened, and poof, they were all babies. Are Aradia and Damara up yet?"

Karkat's eyes are wide as he looks between the infant in your arms and your face, and you figure he's trying to figure out if this is a joke or not, when Jane turns around, shaking her own bottle with a vengeance.

"Please, _please_ say that they're up." she half begs, an edge of desperation in her voice. "I don't care _what_ I have to do, as long as they get turned back. I will never, _ever_ have children, I _swear._ "

Karkat, of course, fixates on the unimportant part.

"That's what human wigglers look like?"

He ventures a couple of steps closer, bending over and peering intently at Bro.

Bro takes this opportunity to spit out the rubber nipple and take a couple of gasping breaths, his mouth working slightly as milk dribbles down his cheek.

"Shit. Kar, grab me the washcloth."

The washcloth is duly procured and handed over, and Karkat watches with a combination of fascination and revulsion as you wipe Bro's face, then offer him the bottle again.

"It's so _tiny_." He says, his voice half wondering, half disgusted, " _look_ at that little thing. What are you doing? Feeding it? It can't feed itself?"

"Him." you say firmly, "And no. Human babies can't do anything besides eat, shit, sleep and cry, and they need help to eat."

By now, Jane's got her dad's bottle made, and she's in one of the chairs around the kitchen table, smiling softly as the baby in her arms suckles eagerly at the bottle.

It takes Karkat a moment to tear his eyes away from Bro, and he turns to the fridge and hauls it open, peering inside before grabbing out a well wrapped platter of some of those weird ass giant grub things that Jade had bought as a joke, but the trolls loved.

"I didn't know there was anything that could be _more_ useless than you wastes of space. Good to know that extends to your larval form."

You roll your eyes behind your shades.

"Yeah, sure Karkles, whatever. Are the Megidos up, or not?"

He snorts, grabbing a frying pan and setting it with a clatter on the stove top.

"The fuck should I know? Have you tried messaging Aradia?"

"Well, I would, but I'm kinda lacking in the hands department over here." You drawl, and Karkat shoots you a dry look.

"Riiight. Does god tier somehow work differently for humans then it does trolls? Or were you just always this stupid? You've got the Gift of Gab, moron. Use it."

You pause for a moment, absently mopping up more milk from Bro's face.

"Well gee, Karkles, that's an awfully forward thing to suggest. Are you saying I should just unleash this silver tongue of mine on those two lovely ladies? Let 'em have a taste of the Strider charm? I don't know if I could handle any more bitches swooning on me, and I don't have the arms to catch 'em right now, so they'd be fallin' all over on the ground. Do you really want that on yo-"

"Oh for pity's sake!" Jane snaps, " _I'll_ do it!"

Her voice doubles in on itself, layering tones until it sounds like there's four Janes in the kitchen, all speaking in unison.

"Aradia? Damara? Are either of you awake? If you are, could you please meet Rose, Dave, John and I in the kitchen? We've got a bit of a situation."

She pauses for a moment, listening, then nods.

"They're coming. Do you want to get Rose and John?"

You shrug, and allow your own voice to do the layering thing, relaying to John and Rose that the Megidos are on their way to the kitchen, and that they should probably be here with the babies when the other two time players get here.

Karkat is steadfastly ignoring the four of you as he cooks himself breakfast, but every so often you catch him stealing glances at the babies, and you shove the grin that wants to stretch itself across your face down as far as it'll go.

He might be a huge sap, but he's a closeted huge sap, and far be it from you to out a dude before he's well and truly willing to out himself.

"Don't forget to burp him." Jane says as you put the now-empty bottle on the table next to the washcloth. "Also, toss me that, please."

You toss her the washcloth, and have just managed to get Bro arranged on your shoulder and started patting away when John and Rose file into the kitchen with a pair of unhappy babies.

"I thought you were going to come _back_ with bottles for all of them." John moans at you, and you arch an eyebrow at him.

"Really dude? I don't want to deal with Bro crying any more than you want to deal with Dadbert crying. It's every man for himself, come feeding time."

Rose snorts elegantly.

"Here, hold my mother and I'll fix bottles for them both."

"Wait, what?" Watching John panic is hilarious, or it would be if you weren't wondering what the hell is going on in Rose's head.

"Hold my mother, so I have two hands. It'll be easier to make bottles that way. You're big enough, it shouldn't be a problem." and with that, she dumps Momlonde in the crook of John's unoccupied arm, rearranges how Dadbert is settled slightly, and sweeps across the kitchen to start making bottles.

"Rose! NO! I can't!"

Karkat has completely abandoned his breakfast making attempts and is watching John verbally flail with a wickedly amused glint in his eyes. You're well on your way to smirking, too, when John tries to shift, and _something_ about the scene is no longer funny.

Something about the positioning of the babies doesn't look secure anymore, and there's tears springing up in John's eyes.

"Rose, please! She's gonna fall and I can't catch her!"

Karkat's halfway to John in an instant; reaching for Momlonde.

"No!" Rose almost-shouts, whirling around, and John, Karkat, and you all freeze.

The babies' faces screw up, like they're deciding if that was worth wailing about as Rose whips through the kitchen, relieving John of her mom and turning to Karkat.

"Baby skin is thinner and more delicate than the skin of adults or teenagers." she explains, turning to Karkat. "Their immune system isn't fully developed either. If a scratch gets infected, it could seriously harm them."

You can see his face fall for a moment as he gets it, then he pastes a scowl on and turns to head back to the stove.

"I was just trying to keep Egderp from splattering that wiggler's brains all over the damn floor. Next time I'll keep my fronds to my damn self."

"Karkat," Rose says, her voice oddly gentle. "I wasn't saying you couldn't hold her. In fact, I would greatly appreciate it if you did. It would make things much easier. However, it would be prudent for you to wear your human skin while you did so, all right?"

Karkat hesitates for a moment, then grumbles irritably and shifts, changing not one iota of his height, but trading grey skin for milky white, messy black hair for equally messy dark red, and silvery grey-on-yellow eyes for eyes that basically look like your own; as crimson as you know his blood is.

"Fine. Give the wiggler here. But you owe me, Lalonde."

Jane, safely out of Karkat's line of sight behind Rose, rolls her eyes, and Bro picks that moment to puke milk all down the back of your shirt.

\-----

The Megidos walk in just as you're wrestling off your shirt, Bro safely ensconced in the middle of the kitchen table, with Jane keeping a wary eye on him to make sure he doesn't somehow do an acrobatic fucking pirouette onto the floor.

You're not sure _how_ he would do that, given the fact that he seems incapable of even supporting his own head for more than a second or two, but, well, you're not really willing to take any fucking chances, all right?

For a moment, you consider grabbing a clean towel to finish burping Bro, then you shrug, and toss your shirt over your shoulder. It's already dirty, and it's part of your god tier pyjamas. It'll clean itself.

"Oh my _gog_ what are those!?" Aradia sounds weird (-er than normal, for her,) and you turn, opening your mouth to reply, and Rose cuts you off.

"Babies. Specifically, our guardians. They've been de-aged, somehow, and Dave says that their personal timelines were too tangled for him to fix. We were hoping the two of you might take a look and see if there's anything you can do to fix it?"

"Of course Time Knight can not fix. Needs delicate touch. Like much special body part I like." Damara grins, and behind you, John groans.

"Come on... that was such a stretch." He moans, reaching out to accept the bottle Rose offers him as she moves past to take Momlonde back from Karkat.

"Can stretch me later." Damara fires back, her eyes glinting with amusement, "First fix wigglers, then find room for alone time. Don't worry for noise."

"Auuugh."

You peek over your shoulder, and smirk at the brilliant red flush painting John's face as Rose and Jane snicker at him.

"Cut that shit out, Megido." Karkat grumbles, shifting back to troll standard and heading over to continue fixing his interrupted breakfast. "And fix the damn adults before Egbert accidentally kills them."

John's protests are ignored as Rose settles in midair and you offer Bro to Aradia.

"He's done eating, and I _think_ he doesn't have anything else to puke up, so see if you can fix Bro." you frown for a moment, then glance at Rose, who seems to be pretty on top of the whole information thing.

"How long are you supposed to burp 'em for, anyway? How the hell do you tell if they're done?"

"The internet is remarkably unhelpful on that subject," Rose says grimly, as though she'd like to find the people who run the internet and smack them around for allowing incomplete information to be spread. "Aradia, claws."

Aradia pauses, looks between her outstretched hand and Rose for a moment, and Rose explains, giving her the same spiel she'd told Karkat.

"Oh." Aradia says, "Well, I suppose you could just set him on the table?"

Damara rolls her eyes at her dancestor, shifts, and plucks Bro out of your arms, cradling him with practised ease.

You gape at the now vaguely asian teenager in front of you, who is handling Bro with experience ease.

"There." she says, turning towards Aradia. "Now look. I look too."

The two of them stare down at the baby in Damara's arms, and you turn back towards Rose, Jane, and John; pointing silently at Damara and doing your absolute best to convey as many 'wtf' vibes as you can.

A glance over at the stove tells you that Karkat is just as surprised as you are, if the slack jaw and slightly bulging eyes are anything to go by.

After a few minutes, Aradia comes out of it, blinking a couple of time.

"Sorry, but I don't think I can do anything about that. It's a huge mess! I don't think I've ever seen such a tangled up timeline! Are they all like that?"

You nod. "More or less."

"Oh. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, buuut it looked like _maybe_ it's trying to straighten itself out?"

Damara blinks herself back into reality. "Yes. Is slow, but is coming undone. Very slow though. Will take time to go back to adult."

She hands you back Bro, then sweeps around the table and easily removes Dadbert from John's grasp, quieting the baby's fussing at his interrupted meal with absolutely _ridiculous_ ease and tucking the rubber nipple back into his mouth as she takes a look at his timeline.

John and Jane are gaping at her, and, although you'd like to deny it, you and Rose aren't much better.

Karkat looks like he's on the verge of an aneurysm, and at this point you're so surprised Damara may as well have hauled a live fish out of nowhere and slapped you square in the face with it.

"Is same." She pronounces, depositing the baby and his bottle back in John's arms.

In the end, each of the babies are pronounced to have ridiculously tangled timelines that are trying to sort themselves out.

"Maybe half Perigee, maybe full Perigee." Damara finally announces, once she's returned Momlonde to Rose. "Sound right, yes?"

Aradia nods slowly. "I think so, yeah."

Damara nods, satisfied. "Yes. Okay. You need help, you call. Did grubsitting on Beforus. I give _special_ rates to you."

And with one final, salacious wink at John, she sashays out of the room. Aradia, almost helpless with giggles, follows her, leaving behind four speechless humans and one nearly apoplexic troll.

"You-she- _what?!_ " John squeaks, and that's too much.

You burst into laughter.


End file.
